Let's talk Faith. And God.

Good morning!  It's Friday.  Can you feel it?  The excitement, the happiness, the warmth?!   Today, between 6 and 15 inches of snow is supposed to fall on the Cleveland area.  (6= not so bad.  15=oh, come ON, Mother Nature--it's almost March for Pete's sake!)  I was hoping and wishing for a Snow Day, but alas, it appears every school in the area is closed for business except for ours.  That's ok, though, because I work with a great team and we tend to get along really well.   

I knew traffic would be horrendous this morning so I decided to leave early--an hour and a half before work.  Well, I made it in thirty minutes (not too shabby for a snowstorm) and was an hour early for work.  Then, as I began to eat my poptart (I know, I eat like a 6 year old) and check facebook, I received a text from my boss that said it would be ok if we were an hour late today. 

So this means I have not just one hour to kill, but two. 

Could be worse, I suppose. And I did bring my camera to work today, per request from my coworker.  Maybe I'll go snap some pictures of office supplies or something to stave off the boredom.

Or, I'll blog :)

I'm not a very religious person.  My mom was raised Southern Baptist and my dad was raised Roman Catholic.  They decided that they wanted their children to choose their religious upbringing, and of course I attended various churches growing up, with friends and family members.  I never found a place that I was truly "at home" (possibly because children in general often feel out of place and uncomfortable in new groups?) and so I never made a habit of going to church.  This, of course, has not helped me foster faith of any sort and I have the most (annoying) questions about God and faith and why things are the way they are. 

I don't find that I'm not Christian-like in my behavior, just because I don't go to church.  Though I don't necessarily identify myself as someone who behaves like a Christian--I more feel that I strive to be my best "self" and live the way I was raised to live.  I try to foster personal and spiritual growth, patience, and kindness in myself; I try to be honest and open and help others in their life's struggles.  I try to appreciate the things in others that I fail to appreciate from time to time and I try to live every day so that when my head hits the pillow, I can feel I've made a positive difference. 

Of course I fall short.  Every single day, I fall short in one or two a zillion ways.  I'm not patient enough with a student, or I judge someone's selfishness or laziness when truly I am often lazy or selfish.  I fall short over and over again of my self-made goals for living life and I feel ashamed some days.  I know that I'm not perfect and that things are going to have a negative impact on me and my behavior will suffer for it.  But I don't think it's fair that I should allow others to suffer for it.  Does that make sense?

I need Faith.  I need to know deep down in my core that what I think to be true IS true.  I need to know that it's okay if I don't go to mass on Sundays or to church or Bible study on Wednesdays.  That I haven't given up anything for Lent.  Because I've chosen to live a life that means something to me personally--to live a life that matters and to live a life that will positively impact others.  My dad was not a practicing Catholic when I was growing up, but he found God when he least expected it after the death of my godfather, Jerry.  He told me stories of how he'd ask for an answer and God provided it to him in an awe inspiring way.  Truly--like something written in books. That was my dad's experience with Faith.  Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Ok, God, show me.  Please answer....thiiiiiis question and I'll know you're out there...and I'll know it was you."  I keep waiting for my experience in finding Faith, so that I can stop questioning things like prayer and prayer in numbers.

But when people say "pray for me" or "please pray for my family" I can say "of course I will" or "sure thing."  But truly I'm not asking God for anything...I am hoping and wishing and thinking of and for these people.  I am hoping for something I don't understand (a miracle) and can't truly grasp how these positive thoughts + other people's prayers create a positive effect.  I don't think that things "just happen" and I definitely believe in God, a higher power.  But I don't know that if 1,000 people are praying for something to happen that it will happen any more than 250 people's hopes and positive thoughts, or 50 people's prayers.  I don't believe that God will pay more attention to prayers that come in high numbers...that just seems unfair to me.

So I'm hoping for Faith.  Because I wasn't raised with God as a constant in my life-- as a presence as true as that of a grandmother or a cousin or a sister. I wasn't raised that church and Bible readings were a given, that going to Sunday School was a weekly occurence.  I wasn't raised that God didn't exist, or that religion is wrong or weird.  I was raised to choose for myself when I was ready. 

I'm ready.  I'm ready for Faith but my questions just keep on coming.  I see the mean and the selfishness, the laziness and the greed in people and it deeply saddens me.  I don't want to obtain my Faith when something bad happens to a family member and we all pray + hope for a miracle--I don't want to find God that way.  I want to find God in my everyday life.  People say "you can see God in the birth of every baby."  I see science and chromosomes and genetics.  I see dominance and recessiveness and I see inheritance.  I see how awe-inspiring the process is for a mother to carry a child and for it to be born.  My nephew Aaden is an example of the awe-inspiringness of the process.  But I want to see God in the process and I want to just know that it was Him and that it wasn't just our positive thoughts and prayers that led to our healthy, beautiful nephew.  I need to know and have Faith.

I always get shivers when I read this passage (St. Theresa's prayer).  It helps me during my worst days here on Earth to find the peace that I need.   But at the same time, I need to know that it is God that has placed me here and not a combination of coincidence and God, or coincidence and my actions and God, or a combination of something else and God, or just God Himself.

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

I want the Faith and the knowledge and I want the peace that people who are religious seem to have.  I want to read a Bible passage and be able to accept it as 100% truth.  I am open.  I am open to God and to Faith and to peace.  I'm open to doing better and acting better and being the best person I can physically and spiritually be.  Sometimes I wonder if I am religious in my own way, but it seems so different from everyone else. 

Any insight?