A Little Introspection

I'm nearing the twenty-five year mark.  Twenty-five years old, one quarter of one century.  I think in percentages alot (thanks Dad) so I'm 25% of 100 years old.  Some people think that's young.  Super young.  But I don't really think that's young.  I feel every bit as grown up as my social counterparts, who mostly hover around the 33% of 100 years old mark.  But I sometimes feel like such a baby.

I've been mulling over this the past week or so, and in fact have started and stopped this post many times, because I'm never sure where to begin with the things about myself that I'd like to change.  Say, before I hit that big quarter century mark.  Who am I and what do I want to be?  What am I supposed to be and where am I meant to end up?  I think I've gathered a few thoughts, but I need some inspiration.   I'm waiting on a sign. 

I dated a guy once and he told me that I try too hard...and I guess that made him feel it necessary do some introspection, because quickly confessed to me that he'd cheated on me with some random person and had told me ___ lie to cover it up.  Then told me I was too good for him (Classic.  I know.)

So I dated another guy in college, after guy-from-paragraph-above.  This guy was super romantic, sweet, thoughtful, and we had known each other for awhile as friends.  We were happy enough for about a month or two, or was it three?  I can't remember.  Then, one day I asked him the question, "Do you think I try too hard?"

Twenty minutes later he had confessed his undying love for his ex-girlfriend and we had broken up one minute after that.  (Classic.  Again, I know.)

I didn't give the whole "trying too hard" thing much thought beyond that, because a few months later I met someone who I didn't have to try too hard for.  We just "fit" naturally together and neither one of us had to be extra anything, or over the top this or that.  We just fit.  I married that guy a few months ago, by the way.

I asked him once, before he became my husband, whether he thought that I try too hard in life.  He said that I do.  And so, I believed it.  He said that I try too hard to make people like me, to make them care, to make them think things that maybe they'll never come to think.  And that so long as I keep trying, that I'll keep myself sick with worry about everything and everyone.  Did I mention I found out recently that I likely have "chronic ulcer disease?"  Strange coincidence?  He thinks not.  (I attribute it half to worry and half to my slight obsession with Chipotle.)

Yep, I definitely worry what people think of me.  I try to let people know what I'm thinking, because really, how else will you ever really know who I am?  Will someone mistake my motives or my words or my actions for something they aren't?  Not if I try hard enough!  Will someone think my aim is to be sarcastic when I'm really telling a light-hearted joke?  Not if I try hard enough!  Will someone think that I talk too much?  Or think too little?  Or that I'm weak or immature or too sensitive?  Not if I try hard enough!

WRONG.  To some people that makes me immature and weak and ditzy.  And I'm starting to see that now in my everyday life.  And it upsets me, because I'm mature and I care and I try to be strong.  And damnit, I know I'm smart. 

But who am I?  Certainly, I'm much too sensitive.  I take everyone personally and I take everything at face value and sometimes "try too hard."  I want to befriend and trust everyone and shouldn't, but I also have a too-heightened sense of when to panic about something or someone.  How should I find the balance between the two?  Am I weak?  I shouldn't be, but I guess I am.  I'm not dumb, or immature, at least not in my own mind.  I just try to think of things from other people's perspectives and often over analyze or over explain, which is (I'm sure) annoying.  Ask anyone who's known me for more than a year and they'll tell you the phrase that I repeat the most.

Can you guess it?

It's "I'm sorry."

Does that make me pathetic or weak or dumb?  I don't think so, but I also think that I need to be less apologetic and over-analytical and let someone come to me for clarification, or let them tell me my joke was a little too sarcastic, or tell me that I came across too ___ or that my action meant ___.  I should let people come to me, but I think sometimes that that is where misunderstandings happen. 

I think I'm finished now.  But you know what's sad?  I almost apologized for the post being too long.  I think I need a self-help-motivation-confidence book or something.  Or just to try a little less hard and just be the person I am.  I'm pretty sure I'll never stop being the "I'm sorry" girl though.